Forget Your Nuts?

This post has nothing to do with fashion, nor diabetes. Although I am going to talk about family and my fathers both have diabetes and my cousin Sally doesn't dress very well. (Okay, so I don't have a cousin named Sally but my Grandpa once sent a present in the mail for me addressed to "Sally" if that counts. And I didn't dress very well back then.)

Anyway, on to the interesting stuff.

So.

At Christmas I find we spend a lot of time hanging out with family and eating. No surprise there, right? There are always goodies such as nanaimo bars, pecan tarts, that "Crack" made of sugary and crispy and chocolaty something that my sister-in-law always makes and gets me hooked every time.

I am typing this from rehab.

Luckily, we also put out things like veggies with dip and nuts.

Speaking of nuts...

Sitting around the dining room table playing an innocent game of "Battle of the Sexes", one of my family members blurted out a confession I never would've seen coming. (Not the event, nor the confession.)
To protect her innocence, I'll just call this family member M-I-L from now on.

So, to recap, we are lounging around, playing a heated-in-a-fun-sort-of-way game when the topic of nuts came up. Someone said something like, "Are there any nuts?"  when M-I-L says, "I asked the shelf-stocker at the grocery store the other day if he would show me his nuts."

{Choke} {Spasm of laughter} {Tears streaming down my face}

What?

You asked him to show you his nuts?!?!?

"I-I-I was looking for the section of nuts and realized the second I said it what I had actually just asked..."

Her death flashed before my eyes. Her, lying on the grocery store floor, dy...ing of an embarrassment attack.

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

If you only knew M-I-L! Her boys push her over the edge of disgust and frustration with their "inappropriate" humour all the time!

She said he handled it very professionally and quietly walked her to the nut aisle.

Ahahahahahahah!!!! I can't even think nor type the word "nut" without the giggles taking over.

I can only imagine what his family gathering looked like when he told his aunts and uncles what this perv of a 60-something woman asked of him.

Ahahahahahaha!!!

M-I-L, we love you. And we love you even more since you shared this with us. We have a new respect for you now that you have loosened up and come to the dark side of hilarious "inappropriate" Schwartz humour. Just know, we will mock you forever now.

So we all thank you, M-I-L, for spreading joy and merriment during this Christmas season.

Well gotta run. I am feeling sorta hungry.
The good thing about Christmas is the stuff people leave behind.
I think I'll go find my newly acquired nuts. ;)

Family (dys) Functions

So, Christmas trees are being packed up, lights taken down and tinsel packed neatly away...except for those odd couple of strands that hide beneath coffee tables only to find their way into the intestines of your cat which never ends well, if you know what I mean.
Now, if you are lucky, you will have the time to reflect and relish the memories of being with friends and family.
Family.
Family dynamics.
Funky family functions (dys?).
Only we can't talk about them now because they are still alive.
Well...
Okay, maybe just a little.
Have you ever played Pictionary with my brother-in-law?
It's ridiculous.
I have a question...
If you were going to draw the word "soul" for your spouse during an all-play, what would you draw?
Obviously the sole of a shoe. How the heck else would you draw the word soul?
Well, my husband drew a body. That's a far as he got.
His brother took it a step further. He drew a body with wings and started penciling a harp before getting rudely interrupted by the intelligent opposition who drew the bottom of a shoe, leading their partner right to the answer.
A HARP!!!
Can I just say something?
This coming from the A+ university student genius of the family!
Oh he's genius alright. He's the shining star that illuminates the whole wide world with his exceptionalism.
Sure, sure Russensation. Believe what you will. But I can only imagine how you would sketch a heart.
Where does the left ventricle go again? ;)

Susan


To privately contact me send messages to susiewithans@gmail.com