Forget Your Nuts?

This post has nothing to do with fashion, nor diabetes. Although I am going to talk about family and my fathers both have diabetes and my cousin Sally doesn't dress very well. (Okay, so I don't have a cousin named Sally but my Grandpa once sent a present in the mail for me addressed to "Sally" if that counts. And I didn't dress very well back then.)

Anyway, on to the interesting stuff.

So.

At Christmas I find we spend a lot of time hanging out with family and eating. No surprise there, right? There are always goodies such as nanaimo bars, pecan tarts, that "Crack" made of sugary and crispy and chocolaty something that my sister-in-law always makes and gets me hooked every time.

I am typing this from rehab.

Luckily, we also put out things like veggies with dip and nuts.

Speaking of nuts...

Sitting around the dining room table playing an innocent game of "Battle of the Sexes", one of my family members blurted out a confession I never would've seen coming. (Not the event, nor the confession.)
To protect her innocence, I'll just call this family member M-I-L from now on.

So, to recap, we are lounging around, playing a heated-in-a-fun-sort-of-way game when the topic of nuts came up. Someone said something like, "Are there any nuts?"  when M-I-L says, "I asked the shelf-stocker at the grocery store the other day if he would show me his nuts."

{Choke} {Spasm of laughter} {Tears streaming down my face}

What?

You asked him to show you his nuts?!?!?

"I-I-I was looking for the section of nuts and realized the second I said it what I had actually just asked..."

Her death flashed before my eyes. Her, lying on the grocery store floor, dy...ing of an embarrassment attack.

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

If you only knew M-I-L! Her boys push her over the edge of disgust and frustration with their "inappropriate" humour all the time!

She said he handled it very professionally and quietly walked her to the nut aisle.

Ahahahahahahah!!!! I can't even think nor type the word "nut" without the giggles taking over.

I can only imagine what his family gathering looked like when he told his aunts and uncles what this perv of a 60-something woman asked of him.

Ahahahahahaha!!!

M-I-L, we love you. And we love you even more since you shared this with us. We have a new respect for you now that you have loosened up and come to the dark side of hilarious "inappropriate" Schwartz humour. Just know, we will mock you forever now.

So we all thank you, M-I-L, for spreading joy and merriment during this Christmas season.

Well gotta run. I am feeling sorta hungry.
The good thing about Christmas is the stuff people leave behind.
I think I'll go find my newly acquired nuts. ;)

What a Turkey! (Literally...)

I found the most helpful book ever made at Shopper's Drugmart today.
The title was...
Wait for it...
W-a-i-t-f-o-r-i-t...
"How to Cook a Turkey"
325+pages on
How to Cook a Turkey
Now,
I have never, nor will I ever, profess to be a gourmet chef. I won't even tell you I am a good cook.
But,
325 pages on HOW TO COOK A TURKEY?!?!?
Can you imagine the electric bill you'd get after pre-heating your oven while you follow the recipe?!
It's a good thing I told you about this book so you can pick it up at a boxing day sale and start preparing the turkey for next year!
Does raw meat last that long? I'm a vegetarian so what do I know? I won't even touch the stuffing if the bird was actually...well...stuffed. Blech!
How to Cook a Turkey.
Well.
There you have it folks.
My handy helpful tip of the season.
 I suggest you pick up some of those $2 reading glasses while you are buying the book at the pharmacy. You are gonna need 'em!
Merry roasting!
(Blech!)

To privately contact me send messages to susiewithans@gmail.com

Nostalgically Crazy!

Ahh...piano Christmas music playing in the background, presents wrapped, 5 inch tall tree set up, dog purring, time to throw another log on the fire - it’s Christmas!

Wait! I don’t have a fireplace! My house is burning down! Oh, no, that is just the candle I lit for ambiance and warmth.

Yes, I said my dog is purring. I am dead serious. I’m not sure he knows it’s Christmas, but when I scratch behind his ear just right, he morphs into an 85 pound cat right before my eyes.

Way to get in the spirit Bob.

So to celebrate this awesome time of year, guess what I am doing today?

GOING TO WALMART.

You see, as I sit in my ambient home I get nostalgic. I think I should be out in the hustle and bustle where all the people are scurrying about, getting their last preparations in for the season, frolicking with joy.

So, I take a lovely drive in the delicately falling snow and enter...THE CITY.

HAVE I LOST MY MIND?!?!

NO ONE in WALMART on the 21^st of December is FROLICKING!

And now I am committed. Because I put that one necessary item on my list that demands I stay in line for 45 minutes as children scream with unjoy as mothers try to hide last minute toys from “Santa” under their coat in their shopping carts and offer to give them away. (The children I mean.)

No, perhaps Walmart wasn’t my best choice. I think I might just want to throw another log on THEIR fire and they don’t have a fireplace either.

My word of advice...when feeling nostalgic, stay home, reminisce about the moments when you actually liked your children (don’t worry, I blame Walmart for the dislike...not your kids ;) or if you don’t have kids, curl up on your couch with your 85 pound cat and make him purr.

May you all be a Bob this season.

Merry Christmas.

J

P.S. Just came home. Does the fact that I had time to watch a whole sitcom including commercials while waiting in line tell you anything? (Unfortunately, no sitcoms were to be found. Unless you count the murmurs of 200 people lined up swearing under their breath due to the fact that we had time to watch a comedy, comedy. ;) Oh well. I did it to myself...

To privately contact me send messages to susiewithans@gmail.com