Colon Counselling. Really?

I received a most fascinating email this morning. At least I thought it was fascinating. Maybe you will think of it as standard fare. (If so, I don’t want to know about it.)

This email I speak of owned the title, “63% Off Colon Hydrothera​py Session and More”.

Can you read my thoughts yet? No? Well, let me continue.

It went on to read, “A squeaky-clean digestive tract is needed for your body to function properly. It is also integral to your ability for landing double-back flips and random wall-jumps. Keep your body fine tuned and kung-fu ready with today's Dealfind: $39 for a 60 Minute Colon Hydrotherapy Session, Including a 30 Minute Pre-relaxation Session...”

How about now? Can you figure out what I am thinking now?

Let’s break it down, shall we?

“63% off”. Okay. They’ve got my attention. I’m always a sucker for a good deal.

“Colon Hydrotherapy Session”. Hmmm. I’m pretty sure the word “colon” is used either as a punctuation mark or as a label for, in my mind, my most undesirable body part. When colon, therapy, and session are put together in a phrase, I can’t for the life of me figure out how they could be referring to punctuation, yet the other option is quite confusing to me as well. Does my colon need counselling? But what does that have to do with hydro? (I.e. power-filled water, and that can’t be good in this case, right?)

Didn’t this “therapy” they speak of used to be spelled E-N-E-M-A!?!

How about this part: “A squeaky-clean digestive tract is needed for your body to function properly”.

Really?

Cuz unless they are putting a Teflon coating along the lining of that bad boy and spraying it with ultra light, extra virgin olive oil cooking spray (that’s my idea of a diet ;) every 10 minutes, I have a hard time figuring out how I am going to keep it squeaky clean.

And I am pretty sure people have been living for thousands of years without “squeaky clean” colons.

Also,

I don’t think “squeaky” is exactly the noise I hope comes out of my butt while I walk down the street in my oh-so-fabulous high-heeled boots and purple Pashmina scarf, but whatever. (No, not only the boots and scarf. Seriously.)

Plus, the Teflon might make it a bit hard to bend over.

Next, “... it is also integral to your ability for landing double-back flips and random wall-jumps. Keep your body fine tuned and kung-fu ready...”

I am not making this stuff up.

“...60 Minute Colon Hydrotherapy Session, Including a 30 Minute Pre-relaxation Session...”

WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY GOING TO DO TO ME FOR 60 MINUTES!!!!!? Oh, right. A 30 minute PRE-RELAXATION session. I don’t think I want to know...

What I do want to know is...do you have to be qualified to give this therapy? Is this something they teach in beauty school?

Aesthetics at its best.

I have a confession to make. I have heard of this before. They spoke of it in a shouting match during a climactic moment in the movie Bridesmaids. Only, I think there was bleach involved in that scenario.

Cuz that makes so much sense.

I am so thankful they have now made this treatment more affordable for me. Yes, a discount is exactly what I am looking for in a service involving water, a hose and MY COLON. I am not the least bit uncomfortable with the idea of “you get what you pay for” in circumstances such as this.

Oh, the things we do in the name of health.

Whatever happened to simply eating fibre? ;)